Change..

I have an overwhelming feeling today about what change really means. Change is something that we get at the grocery store when we are carrying cash for the first time in months. Change is what we do when we decide that we picked out the wrong outfit for the fourth time before we walk out the door. Change is life suddenly deciding to shift..........

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall
down
It's a revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing
hallelujah.

I'm not a huge Taylor Swift fan, but these lyrics sing to me. I have been so wrapped up in going through the motions of life that I have failed miserably to realize that I am my life.


Change is happening all around me, and I'm just standing still. It's not like I am meditating to God in an Ashram in Indonesia where I can finally find myself (Yes, I'm reading the book)... But my heart is screaming to myself "DO SOMETHING!!! STOP JUST STANDING THERE!".

The problem: I don't know what to do.


So many people are advising me to do this and do that. But the truth of the matter is I don't know what to do. I read a pretty amazing post on an other's blog today about being where you belong. I have no idea if I am where I belong.... no idea.

It's difficult because I am a self proclaimed impatient person who wants perfection. I have a very clear view of what I want in life (I know, I've said that before).

The problem: I don't want to wait for it.

I don't want to just stand still while it all changes. I want to seek what it is that I dream of. I want to move with the change so that the change takes me with it. It is so hard to search for what it is you truly want out of life, always feeling like it is just beyond your grasp.

The problem: They say if you're not looking for it, it will appear.

Who in their right mind made these rules? Why do I have to lay down the dreams I have for my life because "I'm looking for it" and I shouldn't be. Why couldn't I have just gotten my happily ever after? Why was I chosen to withstand this?

They say that it can always be worse, your life. I'm not suppose to dwell on the hardships I am having, because let's face it, they aren't real hardships, right? I'm not homeless so to speak, I have a job, I have a beautiful little girl, I have transportation, I pay my bills. I ,for all intensive purposes, have a great life.

The problem: My life, the hardships, they feel hard to deal with to me.

So, I'm not suppose to feel sorry that I am having hard times. I'm not suppose to say that I feel lonely... That my happily ever after run out....

It's all changing, and I'm standing still.