Snow, snow go away...

With winter gracing us so pleasantly with year, I have come to learn a few important things.

The "show horses" with their body clips and their blankets.

1. I'm pretty sure we can't get away from the cold anymore... Even Florida is not safe.
2. By this time next year the barn MUST be closed in... Snow in the barn only makes more work for me! As you see from Exhibit A above... "the snow runs through it (much less the river)".
3. Tractors almost being fixed doesn't do me much good.... Doesn't "almost" only count in horse shoes and hand grenades?

The young and old horses braving the weather.

4. It is essential that you have good "strong" friends who can help in a pinch.... if it wasn't for Jared and Ethan the young and old horses would have not gotten their round bale during the big storm! Picture this... me pushing the round bale by myself (because the tractor "almost" works).... they just saved me 2 hours work and four days laying in bed!

5. I am NOT cut out for cold weather. I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't admit this... but I have not gone a day without long-johns on.. that can't be good for my skin!

6. Snow days are not conducive to my occupation... our college was the ONLY school that did not get a snow day, much less a delay. Maybe I should rethink and go teach high school/middle school so that I can spend my snow days with my snow bunny (AGB).

AGB as the snow bunny, sporting her pink VT hat.

7. Bundling up to go sledding takes more time then the actually amount of time you will spend outside! (See Exhibit C above).

8. Sledding is HARD work!!! (Pictures to follow soon)

9. The laughter you hear during said sledding adventure is worth the time it takes to get dressed even if it is less time than you will actually spend outside.

AGB soaking up the sun... and the sand!

10. This is more like it.... See Exhibit D above. Summer can not get here fast enough.

Looking back, looking forward......

Today I feel like this.....

It is no secret that I am in a search to try to re-define myself. I think the word terrifying comes to mind. Today I feel just like the picture above. You can see that AGB has the most wonderful thought rolling around within the confines of her beautiful mind.... and then there is me. I can visually see the beauty that her thought has, but its the thought itself that is just outside of my grasp. That is how I feel about my path of self discovery. I can see that I am moving forward on my path, but I can't see the events that lay ahead... OH, if I was only a psychic!!!

Sure I recognize that I am a strong,funny, beautiful, talented, successful individual. No..... I'm not trying to toot my own horn by any means. Because even though I recognize those things, I don't always FEEL them. And as sad as it is to say, I often times feel that other people don't view me as these things either.



We took these photos back in the fall. I have revisited them often in awe of what our photographer captured. This was one of the last days I wore my wedding rings (after we separated, I stopped wearing my engagement ring immediately). I look at these photos and I realize how much things have changed in the past months... how much I have changed. At the time these photos were taken, I was really lost. I was still in love with a man, a man who together we had broken each other's hearts.

I am now in a place where I TRULY have begun to heal and move forward. However I am discouraged by how I think people interpret my situation. I almost cringe when I hear the words dating or relationship. Certainly I believe that dating is a part of moving forward and on... however, it is discouraging to know that most single men out there have a very high opinion of themselves and excessive expectations.

No, I'm not looking for someone to play out the events in the above picture what-so-ever!!! I am not in any way ready to jump into the next relationship that comes along... and I certainly don't see on my near path someone else kneeling before me asking for my hand in marriage haha!!! But, I do want to be able to go out with people and engage in great conversation. The kicker... unfortunately most people will judge you for your life circumstances before they will even consider the most simple gesture of just hanging out with you.

So my response to those people.... walk away.... just as AGB is doing so graciously in the above photo. I understand that many men may have reservations about dating me because of my circumstances... but I truly do not have any ulterior motives behind wanting to go out and have adult interaction!!! I don't think that my life circumstances should have anything to do with me meeting new people. So tell me... am I WAY off on that thought? Is it not fair for me to not want to bring my future divorce, my child, my living situation into meeting new people? Is it unfair of me to think that someone should want to go out with me because of just ME?

The fact is, I never dreamed I would be in this position. In a position to enter the dating world again.... And it IS terrifying. I do have to take into consideration AGB's safety... which is why NO ONE will meet her, and also why I don't think it is appropriate for her to be apart of my future dating life. Maybe people think it is wrong of me to have that stance, but I am her mother and I WILL protect her first always. And if someone that I meet doesn't understand or feels like I was untruthful... then they weren't worth my time anyways. Because they shouldn't be dating me because of my life circumstances or lack there of, but they should be dating me for ME. Because I am a strong, funny, beautiful, talented, successful individual..... Right?

Beth

How do I turn this thing on....

Somebody help me.....

In an age where technology has literally become a part of our right hand, I can't help but feel so left behind!! Starting my blog back up has really opened my eyes to just how far behind I truly am.

I have had the glorious opportunity to view some amazing and truly inspiring blogs... it all started several years ago with my sister Michelle's blog Our Roads Traveled.. and now I am viewing incredible creations such as Enjoying the Small Things and Make It Beautiful. WOW!! As you may notice, I don't have theses blogs highlighted for you to click and view because I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!

Sometimes I feel like my computer looks at me like this:

So.... I am begging... somebody please help me!!

I began this blog as a path for self discovery. It the meantime what I have realized is that discovering who I truly am is only half the accomplishment. If I could figure out how to "turn this thing on" I could make so much more of an impact.

I don't really know how many people view my blog. What I would like to accomplish is that my blog is a place where people can visit to be inspired So even if only one person reads my blog.. I want them to walk away feeling as empowered and emotional moved as I do when I read the blogs of these incredible people I have come to know along the way. Come to know because they truly understand the impact of how a simple thing such as a blog can turn your life around.

Beth

I have a dream.... You fill in the blank.

"Power at it's best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at it's best is love correcting everything that stands against love." MLK Jr. 1967

This past weekend, my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. Without a doubt in my mind I know that there were many a times that "everything that stands against love" tried to get in their way. My parents pushed through the barriers that tried to break through their life as a couple, as a family, and succeeded in many ways that couples do not today. If I have learned anything in the past year(s) of my life it could be that I too can have a dream of living for love the way my parents have for so many years.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase" ~ MLK Jr.

What a powerful statement. Too often in our lives we hold back what truths we see for ourselves because of the fear of the unknown. It is terrifying to think about moving forward with my life in the search for the things that I know I desire. I very plainly see what it is that I seek in my life, something that many people may find threatening. I would never impose my "wants" on to someone who is unwilling to accept them, and in the same breathe I will not let go of the dreams that I have for my life.... Yes, even if I don't see the "whole staircase". I owe it to myself (and AGB) to hold fast to the dreams that I have for our life together.

"I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character" ~ MLK Jr.

This ideal I hold so dearly to my heart. I believe in the ability for human kind to see the value in all beings for who they are, and not the value of their appearance. I hope and dream that one day all children and adults will be accepting of those individuals that they see to be so different from themselves. I am blessed to have a nephew who has taught me this value in life. My dream is that my nephew, Matthew, will grow up in a society that will see his beautiful soul, his value to everything around him.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends" ~ MLK Jr.

As life's path takes twist and turns, we most definitely find those people along the way who are readily by our sides. I am thankful for each and ever person who has held my hand, dried my tears, hugged me tight, made me laugh, has lended their ear, and has helped me realize my worth. You know who you are.

"We must combine the toughness of the serpent and the softenss of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart." ~ MLK Jr.

As I move forward on my journey to seek what it is that I know is right for me, I have in my heart a desire to do just this that MLK Jr. spoke about. I have changed in so many ways... I don't want to move forward with a hardened heart, blocked from the possibilities of life. My dream, if you will, is that I will have a sharper mind and a more giving heart. Learning is the capstone of our lives, and I have learned so many things.... I have learned about who I really am, the weakness of anger, the strenthen of hope, and the power of love. I will move forward with a clearer view of the true knowledge of life and how that knowledge can help me rebuild my life with love in it, having a "tender heart" along the way.

It's you ATTITUDE about you APTITUDE that determines your ALTITUDE!!!

Yesterday I began watching an amazing video from a George Morris clinic that was recently held by the USEF. George Morris is an equestrian icon, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch a live stream and LEARN fromt he best. The first video I viewed was one of the lectures, and a dressage trainer/rider, Jane Savoie, was presenting a topic that hit me straight in the face about what my life is and what it can become.

Anna Grace on her way to a tremendous riding career!

I know you are saying... "Beth... you were watching a video about horses?!", but the words Savoie spoke related directly to my life. Here I am world.. in the past year and a half these changes have engulfed me: 1) I left a very high paying, head coach job to come home to a lower paying, assistant coach job (all for good reason) 2) I moved in with my parents because I left that very high paying job and a house that we own that we can't sell 3) My little baby girl started pre-school and has now become a big girl 4) My husband and I separated and are on the road to divorce 5) Did I mention that I am still living with my parents with a 4 year old teenage and one of my dogs. At 31 years old I have found that theses changes in my life seem so profound sometimes that I just can't see an end in sight.

And then I watched this video. Yes, the lecture was about how as riders we can reach a higher altitude by believing in ourselves.... BUT those words threw an arrow straight to my soul. You see, all of these changes that have come upon me in the last year shouldn't control where I go and who I become. NO.. I don't want to end up a single mother living with my parents forever!!!! But, right now it's the right thing for me and for AGB. The truth of the matter is, if I continue to have a bright outlook (attitude) about where our lives (mine and AGB's) will go (altitude) we will succeed (aptitude). Ta-DA!!! I wouldn't live with my parents forever (although I do recognize that it is a blessing right now), I will have love again, I will enjoy every moment of AGB growing up, I will have a great life.

I killed three birds with one stone yesterday... I watched a video that will help me as a coach, a rider and changed how I feel about my life... My life will be great... my life will be great.... WAIT A MINUTE... my life is great :) Now that's the right attitude!

Beth

These are a few of my favorite things....

Children make you want to start life over. ~ Muhammad Ali

There is nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of the horse. ~ Ronald Reagan

My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton

I'm creative!

Don't expect me to be neat too!

Make time to stop and smell the roses.... or any flower for that matter.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach... Hm... this is quite the idea to ponder.

Beth

What being a coach teaches ME about life.....

As an athlete growing up, I always regarded my coaches as individuals who "had it all together... had it all figured out". They always had the answers, I never saw them falter (at least not outwardly), and they carried themselves in a manner that bestowed great wisdom to those around them. When I first became a coach, this was the demeanor that I inherited, mostly to keep from being the lamb up against the slew of lions (I had a vision that my riders would eat me for lunch if I didn't play the role right). It never occured to me that someone who would take on the responsibility of teaching and conditioning an athlete to a sport, and to life really, would have any moments of "OMG HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS?".

Today I learned that lesson... mark that check next to my "H-E-L-L-O Beth! You should have known that" list. Coaching has been something that has come so natural to me, like a fin moves on a fish. I truly am passionate about what I do, and could not imagine leaving this line of work. I can so easily step into the shoes of my riders and visually depict the challenges they face. I believe that makes me a better coach. Note that I didn't say an easier, nicer coach... just better! LOL Being able to relate to my riders on the whole helps me push them to be better, at riding and at life. It challenges me to push them beyond the barriers they have formulated in their minds that stand between them and success.

However, on a small occassion I enter a very dark gray area where I not only cannot relate to my riders, but just for the life of me cannot bring myself to understand for one moment what they are remotely thinking that is possessing them to respond to my coaching techniques in that way! WHEW!!!

That gray area crept upon me today. And I stood there, nearly frozen to the ground from realization and, well, just from the utter cold, and had this epiphany, an epiphany that has come to me before in this exact manner. It's okay for me as a coach to not always have the answer... to not always be right... to not always demand beyond the possible limitations of what the rider feels they are facing. Don't misunderstand, I am by no means cruel, but I have a hard time not challenging my riders when their response to me is "I can't".

I have always had this vision that as a coach I must be stern, and strong, and have the answers. Becoming a coach has helped me to realize looking back that maybe my coaches didn't have all of the puzzle pieces put together either. That they internally struggled with decisions, preparations, and their responses to us athletes when we faced turmoil.

Looking ahead, I hope this continues to make me an even better coach. I physically watched myself take a deep breath today and let the dark gray energy leave me. I more readily understood that I didn't have to know why these events were unraveling in front of me nor did I need to respond. But I could continue to coach, and to put it behind me. It is wonderful to know that we don't have to have the right answer, but that we can still move on..... That idea lifts a burden off of my shoulders. I will still be a great coach, just without the turmoil of thinking that I have to know it all.

Be like the rubber duckie....

As Monday has descended upon us, I am looking back to a weekend that was full of.... well, it's hard to explain. Have you ever had the feeling of being held under a pressure so intense that you wonder how you'll ever rise up? And no matter how you move, how you struggle, the pressure still remains... but you still move, you still struggle. You move right, left, forward, backward, around... any way you can.

This reminds me so much of the rubber duckie. So many of us as children (and now our children) affectionately splashed and played in the bath tub with a rubber duckie. Our curiosity of why the rubber duckie refused to stay under water continued to pull at us and we could not resist the urge to submerge our friend under the water in an effort to convince them to stay there. But to our dismay, our rubber duckie friend just wouldn't concede.

The question should not be "Why wouldn't our rubber duckie stay under the pressure of the water?" but "How can we, like the rubber duckie, find the strength to bounce back?". To stay the course.. to never concede to the pressures of our daily lives that try to pull us down.

I, like the rubber duckie, must continue to push back against the pressure, and I do everyday. Because in the end, it is the pressure and the things that try to keep us down, under the water that make us stronger. Those pressures are what make us fighters. AND I AM A FIGHTER!

For those of you who are wondering about the rubber duckie in the photos..

For her birthday, Anna Grace was given a gift from our good friends, The Pattersons. The duckie came in a box with instructions to paint it. So this past week, AGB and I sat down and created this masterpiece together! I have been trying to do at least one activity a day with AGB, which all of us working mothers know is hard to accomplish. The rubber duckie took us three days to complete, but it was three evening well spent.

Beth

When You Get the Choice to Sit it Out or Dance...

ABG at her first Dance class this summer

As a mother many times I have wondered how it is possible to fit one more item onto the calendar. How can I possibly do everything I want to in the day? Especially with an extremely active 4 year old. I am for all intensive purposes career driven, but that strong focus has taken me away so many times from enjoying the extracurricular activities I know AGB so dearly enjoys.

This summer AGB participated in dance for the first time. She was so passionately excited. Each day she went to dance, participating in every activity that Mrs. Kim set in front of her. On the day of the recital I came to the studio, and AGB affectionately did.... NOTHING she was suppose to. I was devastated to say the least. It was the one day that I had forced myself to pull away to be there and disappointed that the day I was there to watch, I saw very little.

Today I had an opportunity to not only witness AGB in full swing of a dance class, but I also participated. Through her pre-school we received an invitation to come to the mall for a FREE children ZumbAtomic class.. My response, "YES, LET'S!"

Recently AGB has displayed a passion for being shy. Something that is very unusual as we can all agree to! My initial response to taking her to ZumbAtomic was that I would sit quietly and watch on the side lines, as usual with my cell phone in my hand. Little did I know, AGB would employ me to be her partner in crime ... to dance and swing and giggle because she was just too shy to go it alone. I was forced to let loose, to put the cell phone down (I know, I know, there is video and pictures, but would you expect anything less?) and DANCE. Maybe I didn't swing my hips as energtically as I could have, maybe I didn't jump as high as I am able, but I enjoyed an hour of just gazing at a child who truly makes me joyful. It took her a while to get warmed up, but by the end I couldn't get her to stop. I hope you all enjoy the pictures and short video I was able to capture. And my deepest prayer is that AGB continues to ALWAYS DANCE whenever given the choice.

Remember for a day or a lifetime?

This is a very powerful question for me today. How do we chose what to remember for one day and what we never forget for a lifetime? Is there a rythme or reason for how our brains store the most compelling events that happen in our daily lifes? Can I reprogram mine... especially today?

For all of you Grey's Anatomy fans out there last night was an extremely compelling episode forcing me to ask myself just that question both last night and today. Last night's episode for me took me back to the tragic event of April 16, 2007 at my alma mater, Virginia Tech. Every Hokie and every human being in the world felt a clinching blow that day, and watching the Grey's Anatomy episode last night made some of my memories from that horrific time flood back to me as well. The only difference in the real life and the pretend was that the characters in the pretend had the miraculous hands to safe all of the victims from that horrible event, something that we sadly cannot say about our friends from the Virginia Tech massacre.....

So what did this mean to me? It meant thanking God right then and there as I watched the TV screen flood my memory that I have this life. This life to share with all of my loved ones. It also meant remembering. Sure, I think about April 16th, 2007, but I don't remember that event as I should. I pray for the families of every victim from that day on each anniversary of the shooting, but I should pray for them more. I should hold that day in my memory, right on the surface to help me remember to be thankful for everything I have, because it could all be taken away from me tomorrow.

This compelling question of memory also comes at a difficult time for me today. As extremely hard as it is for me to actually write these words down... today is my wedding anniversary. I tried to promise myself that I wouldn't cry, but as I write the tears are flowing. My life has taken turns that Inever expected it would take, and today I can't help but allow those memories to hold on to me like a child clutches their blanket. I do recognize that my life will by great... is great, but my sadness of losing my marriage continues to hold on to me. Do I feel this way today because of the actual day that it is? Will I feel this way next January 7th? Will I remember this sadness on January 7th for a lifetime the way April 16th each year brings me sadness? Can I reprogram my brain to forget this day....

The answer is, I hope not. Because although I feel such deep sadness, I also in many ways feel joy. And I wouldn't have changed my path. I would have still walked down the aisle so many year ago today just the same if I would have known then that it would end this way. Every chapter of our lives is such a journey. Although I am having to close this chapter, another will open. I also received the most precious gift from this chapter of my life... a gift that will continue to bless me for the rest of my life.

I have decided to try to remember more. Those events that change our lives so drastically... I don't want to remember to be sad, but to celebrate. Celebrate the present, and all of the gifts that come with this life. Gifts that are both joyful and full of sorrow. I know if I remember, I can truly be thankful for every gift.

Beth

Is it true? Is Beth blogging?

Wow, how time flies... I have made a New Year's resolution to be more attentive to my blog. I know, I know! You are saying, some resolution that is. We all know that one post to my blog each year is the maximum.

But on the contrary I wonder if this could be my source. My outlet if you will. Life has thrown me curve balls and obstacles that I never thought I would face. Now is the time in my live when I have to decide to really live. Each day. Because I have opened my eyes and realized that my life is going by so fast.

2010 is over. Thankfully. AGB participated in another horse show.. where yet again she was the star, or at least I believe she was. My job continued to get better (as some of you know that is a great thing), my oldest sister had a baby, Sara. I affectionately try to call her Sara Elizabeth, but get yelled at :), and Anna Grace turned 4... YES 4 years old! One of the most unbelievable events that happened in 2010, among a few others.

I also spent my entire summer at home with AGB... something I have never had the opportunity to do before. It was a complete blast. We swam, camped, played, napped, and annoyed Goddy on a daily basis. I am so thankful to have a job now where I can spend my summer with my child.

So, I am challenging you all as well. Keep asking me when my next post will occur. So many changes are happening in my life. If you don't hear from me every day.. you may miss something huge that has happened in my life.

Beth