Looking back, looking forward......

Today I feel like this.....

It is no secret that I am in a search to try to re-define myself. I think the word terrifying comes to mind. Today I feel just like the picture above. You can see that AGB has the most wonderful thought rolling around within the confines of her beautiful mind.... and then there is me. I can visually see the beauty that her thought has, but its the thought itself that is just outside of my grasp. That is how I feel about my path of self discovery. I can see that I am moving forward on my path, but I can't see the events that lay ahead... OH, if I was only a psychic!!!

Sure I recognize that I am a strong,funny, beautiful, talented, successful individual. No..... I'm not trying to toot my own horn by any means. Because even though I recognize those things, I don't always FEEL them. And as sad as it is to say, I often times feel that other people don't view me as these things either.



We took these photos back in the fall. I have revisited them often in awe of what our photographer captured. This was one of the last days I wore my wedding rings (after we separated, I stopped wearing my engagement ring immediately). I look at these photos and I realize how much things have changed in the past months... how much I have changed. At the time these photos were taken, I was really lost. I was still in love with a man, a man who together we had broken each other's hearts.

I am now in a place where I TRULY have begun to heal and move forward. However I am discouraged by how I think people interpret my situation. I almost cringe when I hear the words dating or relationship. Certainly I believe that dating is a part of moving forward and on... however, it is discouraging to know that most single men out there have a very high opinion of themselves and excessive expectations.

No, I'm not looking for someone to play out the events in the above picture what-so-ever!!! I am not in any way ready to jump into the next relationship that comes along... and I certainly don't see on my near path someone else kneeling before me asking for my hand in marriage haha!!! But, I do want to be able to go out with people and engage in great conversation. The kicker... unfortunately most people will judge you for your life circumstances before they will even consider the most simple gesture of just hanging out with you.

So my response to those people.... walk away.... just as AGB is doing so graciously in the above photo. I understand that many men may have reservations about dating me because of my circumstances... but I truly do not have any ulterior motives behind wanting to go out and have adult interaction!!! I don't think that my life circumstances should have anything to do with me meeting new people. So tell me... am I WAY off on that thought? Is it not fair for me to not want to bring my future divorce, my child, my living situation into meeting new people? Is it unfair of me to think that someone should want to go out with me because of just ME?

The fact is, I never dreamed I would be in this position. In a position to enter the dating world again.... And it IS terrifying. I do have to take into consideration AGB's safety... which is why NO ONE will meet her, and also why I don't think it is appropriate for her to be apart of my future dating life. Maybe people think it is wrong of me to have that stance, but I am her mother and I WILL protect her first always. And if someone that I meet doesn't understand or feels like I was untruthful... then they weren't worth my time anyways. Because they shouldn't be dating me because of my life circumstances or lack there of, but they should be dating me for ME. Because I am a strong, funny, beautiful, talented, successful individual..... Right?

Beth