Shenandoah Pizza and Good Girl Time

Here in the Shenandoah Valley, I truly believe that some of the best kept food secrets live. Tonight, I am so excited to go eat at one of my favorite restuarants in downtown Staunton.... Shenandoah Pizza ~ so delicious!

Moving back to the valley has been a difficult transition for me at times. I have always been a 'social butterfly' so to speak. I thrive on the company of others, and one ascept of my life I miss the most is entertaining my friends in my home.... something I used to do on a weekly basis.

Making friends here has been a long transition as well. The truth is, I didn't live here long enough in my younger years to make the lasting friendships that most people have here in the valley.... and that makes me sad often. Don't get me wrong, I have some really fantastic friends here, but only enough to count on one hand... and with their lives being so busy it can sometimes be difficult to get together.....

Tonight, I am fortunate enough to be able to go to dinner with some lovely ladies. And I will relish every minute of the juicy, funny, lovable gossip we will share. Bring on the pizza and girl time... it is much needed tonight!

Thinking on a Tuesday, Should that be Allowed?

More and more these days I am discovering that life is never what you expect, and possibly always what you expect. Sometimes our plate is full, other times we bite off more than we can chew, and there are those occasions when our plate becomes empty... it's filling it back up that brings the challenge.

My plate right now, you ask, what does it look like? I have always had the "bite off more than you can chew" mentality. Leave it to me to put enough busy work on myself that I am forced to NOT think about the contents of my plate, or lack there of. Several years ago, I had an eye-opening experience, showing me that being a busy bee is not the road to filling up my plate. Unfortunately, sometimes I slip.

I have slipped a little recently. Trying to have enough busy work so that I don't have to think about the contents of my plate. This blog often makes me think about the contents of my plate... and sadly if you are reading my blog, you can very plainly depict when I have the feeling that my plate is full and when I am feeling like my plate is bare.

So when I'm not updating my blog... it's because I am being my busy bee self so that I don't have to think about my plate. So I leave you with this feeling of what I am so very hard trying to do:


Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand.

On blog is a way to show the world my journey to stand.

My Journey to Fashion...

It maybe has never been a secret that I have not an ounce of fashion sense inside of my body... Yes, I am a woman and I am suppose to have fashion sense but I was not blessed with it. I have prayed for years that someone would be kind enough to just nominate me for What Not To Wear... okay, don't do that. I think I would die from humiliation.

With the recent events that have occurred in my life, my entire view of myself has changed. I have truly begun to love myself. In years past, I have very infrequently (to never) had a shopping day just for me. I never bought myself clothes or shoes, quite frankly my mind set was that I shouldn't do for myself when I have a child and a husband to do for.

Lesson #565 on the road to redefining Beth: You must first love yourself, and provide for yourself before anyone else can feel your love.

My solution to Lesson number #565... begin to love myself, and to provide for myself as well. This in no way means that I have slacked off on what I am providing for AGB.. she will never do without, that is a given. But I have started to do little things for myself. I do make sure that what I purchase for me is always on sale... it makes me feel a little better, and I don't make it a daily habit for the benefit of my bank account.

My first purchase for me was a pair of Sperry's Top-Siders... Oh, how wonderful they are, and how I have always wanted a pair. THEN:

TA-DA!!!!!

I am SO excited about this dress. It is in the mail as we speak... along with these Merrills I found on sale.... AAAHHHHH... I may be getting a sense for fashion after all.

My favorite online sites to shop these days you ask? Check them out for yourself... I have not been disappointed yet. Let's hope it stays that way :D

www.6pm.com
www.modcloth.com

Spring Break!

Today I returned to work from a much needed week off. A week off where my daily tasks were to determine what it was that I wanted to do. I had no schedule and only made the plans that I wanted. That was bizarre....... Since when do I do things for myself?

So what did a week in The Life of What Beth Wanted To Do consist of?

Monday :
Painting a martini glass in preparation to celebrate Saint Patricks Day.

Tuesday :
I cleaned, and cleaned, and washed clothes... only because I wanted to.

Wednesday :
A bubble bath... with a glass of wine... on a rainy day = Total Bliss!

Thursday :
Shopping Therapy at Kohl's.... AAHHH, lunch with a dear friend and a night out. Much needed and very fun :D

Friday :
A house to myself = Watching movies all day

Saturday :
Visiting my sister and family in NOVA... A day at Harpers Ferry and homemade ice cream at a local dairy... Delicious!

Sunday :
Driving home.. Riding the pony with AGB and a late night movie... the movie was awful.. but it made for a good laugh!

Of course during my days of spring break I was able to emerge myself in what it is that I really wanted to do. It's interesting because I sometimes feel guilty doing these things. I feel like I should make every moment of my life about AGB sometimes... and I shouldn't feel that way, which makes me feel even more guilty.... Oh what a double edge sword!

I am slowly beginning to learn Lesson #454 :
You have to love and like yourself first, which means sometimes it's okay to do things for you.

I have grown so much in the last years of my life. This may be one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn.

In a blink of an eye....

Today I have been thinking a lot about time... how time doesn't exist in anything and how time exist in everything. How has it moved so quickly, without me even realizing that it is moving. I don't "feel" like I have aged, I don't "feel" like time has passed... but the pictures below are the evidence that time is moving.

AGB's 2nd Birthday Party

The summer of she was 2...

Just turned 3.....

The summer she was 3....

And she's 4....

We live in years.... the years of our lives when we are young seem to crawl... but then we become adults and have children. We begin to live in years of their growth and their mildstones.... We live for learning to crawl, then walk and talk, then read and write, then good grades and playing sports, then graduations and pursuing happiness. I know, I know.. she's four.... but I will blink my eyes and she will have grown up right in front of me. My baby has now lost her baby face and knows how to write her name... and mine.

Bittersweet... blinking your eyes.

Naturally....

Any time that I am feeling under the beaten path, and not traveling on it... I look to this beauty. Wednesdays are difficult, as I don't get done with lessons until 6:00 p.m.... meaning I can't pick AGB up from school and I get limited time with her.

Every week I try to do something with AGB that is special for the two of us. Sometimes it involves just going to dinner, or ice cream. Sometimes we do art projects, or it may be that we read five books before we go to bed.

This evening, AGB came running through the house with her Stepping Stones box... Yep, one of those make it yourself out of pour and mix with gems and glitter and every color paint you could imagine. I would have avoided this so involved project at the peak of bed time this evening.. but her baby blue eyes and golden smile and excitement that only a child can obtain got the best of me. And the best part was that when asked to get in the bath and dry her hair and put on her pajama's all previous to her finding her Stepping Stone box, she did it ALL with no fuss and the first time I had asked. There was no denying this project tonight.

Currently, the stone is setting up. And I am sure that I will not hear the end of it until we paint the stone every color of the rainbow, however, it was just the extra minute of time that I needed tonight with my angel here on earth. It was worth the ten minutes late to bed time.

So naturally, she is what brings a smile to my face every day.

A Road to Nationals...

Coaching and horses is in my blood the way swimming comes naturally to a dolphin. When I first began riding at my alma mater, Virginia Tech, one of the first things my coach, T (Teresa) McDonald asked me was "What do you want to do when you graduate?" My response.... "I want to coach college equestrian." I fondly remember that she laughed.

With the determination of an ox, I began my path to coaching. Every job I have held along the way of my career has brought it's own forms of success, challenges, frustrations, pride, and stress. What I thrive on the most is to see the utter excitement and sence of accomplishment that my riders have when they succeed. Proud barely begins to describe how I feel when this happens.

This season, our BC equestrian team has clenched the Regional Championship... what does this mean? We will be competing in the Zone Championships with the possiblity of continuing our quest to the IHSA National Championship hosted at the Kentucky Horse Park in May.

I wanted to post this to take the opportunity to announce how proud I am of our riders and program at BC. The students have worked tremendously hard and are so deserving of this accomplish.

On April 10th, everyone throw up a wish and watch our BC riders take us on the road to Kentucky!

Sundays are a day of worship...

Religion has been in the forefront of battle since the beginning of time, and will be until the end of mankind. We each have our own unique relationship with God... Allah... Zeus... whomever it is that we decide is our own maker. For me, my relationship with God is in development, and I feel that as long as I am on the path with him I am heading in the right direction. This post is not to push a view on anyone... just a post of my own path with God.

"Man is neither entirely a puppet of the Gods, nor is he entirely the captain of his own destiny; he's a little of both"

It has truly come to my attention in recent months how true this statement rings. Without going into grave detail, and I make this statement with reservations, this is not the first time in my marriage that there has been a separation. I think about that a lot.... Why is it that my marriage was mended once just to fall apart again? What if the outcome would have been different 3 years ago? Where would I be in my life now? I ask God these questions frequently. The truth is though, it was a choice 3 years ago, and God knew what choices were to be made.

"We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses - one foot is on the horse called "fate," the other on the horse called "free will."

The above mentioned brings me to a place of utter confusion. I will never point fault in my blog, and know that I have not here before. I know that no one person can interfere with an other's free will... no amount of love, no amount of trust, no amount of support, no amount of effort (or lack there of to any of the fore mentioned) can ever MAKE someone do anything. So we are stuck in a balancing act in our lives... What will be allow to be our fate and what will we make our free will?

"If faith were rational, it wouldn't be - by definition - faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

This brings me back to God. I have had many conversations with him on all of the above mentioned. What I have learned is it is okay for me at ask him "Why?," because I may just get an answer. You never expect the enormously crazy things people will say to you in an effort to comfort you in times of crisis. I don't want to hear "You're better off," or "It'll get better." I want answers. I certainly understand that those answers may not come in the form of words, but in the form of life... and what my life will have in store.

So on this day of worship... I look to God and pray for many things. He may not answer all of my prayers, but I do know He is listening.

When you finally have as much as you can handle?

A very wise person said to me today:

"If the world didn't suck just a little bit, we would all fall off....."

At times I have wondered if God is just trying to show me his sense of humor.
As I posted resently, I do recognize that I have a good life, but inevitable something new happens every day. Unfortunately.

Without divulging too much information, I have been struck with something that has brought my life to perspective for me. You see we all have the choice to join someone elses life's journey. This act could possibly change their lives, and your best hope is that it changes their life in a positive way. What we don't ever see coming is how joining someone else's journey changes our own lives.

As for the events that inspired this post:

I wish for healing.

I wish for forgiveness.

I wish for an act of kindness.

I wish for healing.

I wish for understanding.

I wish for an open heart.

I wish for healing.

I wish for peace.

I wish for an overwhelming desire to change.

I wish for healing.

I wish for the heart to be the most powerful desire of all.

A thought from a Hero...

My family was reared right here in the Shenandoah Valley. Both my parent's families can almost date their ancestors back to the original families who settled here in God's country. My extended family is vast. So much that when my father retired from the military and we moved back here I had to be careful of dating... you never knew if you were related.

When I was in sixth grade living in Oklahoma, where the wind really did sweep and the west really was won, I was instructed by my teacher to write a report on someones autobiography. At a mere 12 years of age I probably didn't even know what an autobiography was. It is entirely possible that we were learning the definition at the time, but my wandering mind and less than healthy body (that is a whole other story), didn't always allow me to hone in on my studies.

Indeed I chose to write about a hero from this country where heroes live everyday. Back then, all military personnel were heroes to me. This ideal came from watching my father through my child's eye. He was the epitome of military, and as decorated a soldier as they could come. So it was fitting that I chose to write my report on 5* General Dwight D. Eisenhower.

The book was fascinating. As I read the history of this man and how he encompassed everything a son, soldier, student, father, uncle, brother, friend, and hero should have. I don't know the exact story behind how I came to find out that this decorated American hero bore the same blood as our family, but I did learn that he indeed was a relative.

I remember being awestruck at the idea that I was related to such an American icon. How many heroes lived in my family? Remember I told you our extended family is dauntingly vast, and I already lived within the same walls as one hero.

Today, I researched quotes of the day. I'm always trying to find sayings that help me put everything into perspective. I live to understand perspective. And I came across this quote from the great 5* General Dwight D. Eisenhower:

"In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable."

Reading this quote brought up many emotions. The ones I felt while I wrote my report, the ones I felt when my father left for war, the ones I feel everyday. I'm not insinuating that I'm in battle...well, maybe a little. Isn't life a battle? Isn't the idea of love and who has control those things that we battle over the most?

So many years ago Dwight D. Eisenhower inspired me. Today, he inspired me again.

Change..

I have an overwhelming feeling today about what change really means. Change is something that we get at the grocery store when we are carrying cash for the first time in months. Change is what we do when we decide that we picked out the wrong outfit for the fourth time before we walk out the door. Change is life suddenly deciding to shift..........

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall
down
It's a revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing
hallelujah.

I'm not a huge Taylor Swift fan, but these lyrics sing to me. I have been so wrapped up in going through the motions of life that I have failed miserably to realize that I am my life.


Change is happening all around me, and I'm just standing still. It's not like I am meditating to God in an Ashram in Indonesia where I can finally find myself (Yes, I'm reading the book)... But my heart is screaming to myself "DO SOMETHING!!! STOP JUST STANDING THERE!".

The problem: I don't know what to do.


So many people are advising me to do this and do that. But the truth of the matter is I don't know what to do. I read a pretty amazing post on an other's blog today about being where you belong. I have no idea if I am where I belong.... no idea.

It's difficult because I am a self proclaimed impatient person who wants perfection. I have a very clear view of what I want in life (I know, I've said that before).

The problem: I don't want to wait for it.

I don't want to just stand still while it all changes. I want to seek what it is that I dream of. I want to move with the change so that the change takes me with it. It is so hard to search for what it is you truly want out of life, always feeling like it is just beyond your grasp.

The problem: They say if you're not looking for it, it will appear.

Who in their right mind made these rules? Why do I have to lay down the dreams I have for my life because "I'm looking for it" and I shouldn't be. Why couldn't I have just gotten my happily ever after? Why was I chosen to withstand this?

They say that it can always be worse, your life. I'm not suppose to dwell on the hardships I am having, because let's face it, they aren't real hardships, right? I'm not homeless so to speak, I have a job, I have a beautiful little girl, I have transportation, I pay my bills. I ,for all intensive purposes, have a great life.

The problem: My life, the hardships, they feel hard to deal with to me.

So, I'm not suppose to feel sorry that I am having hard times. I'm not suppose to say that I feel lonely... That my happily ever after run out....

It's all changing, and I'm standing still.

Wow! How I have neglected my blog..... all for good reasons of the following:

1. There was a rather huge announcement at work two weeks ago. Our Director of Riding has decided to retire. The feelings on this matter are yet to be determined.



2. AGB was struck with the stomach bug at the beginning of last week. I had to change her bedclothes 3 times in one night.



3. We had two IHSA horse shows two weekends ago and hosted our spring IHSA at BC this past weekend. Work, work, work...



4. Valentine's Day... Need I say more?


5. I have come down with an inner ear infection.... How did I miss that one?


It seems like nothing in life is staying the same. Just when you think life has decided to give you a break, something else comes up...

So what has stayed constant?..... You guessed it!! AGB wakes up every morning at a bright 6 a.m. as her bubbly, beautiful self! How did I get so lucky?

Sleeping in our OWN bed :)

For a mother, one of the best feelings is the one where you are able to wrap up close to your child. Whether it's snuggling on the couch watching "Spirit; Stallion of the Cimarron" as we did last night, or falling asleep with her blonde locks wrapped around my shoulder... I cherish all of these moment.

However, several months ago AGB decided that she should inhabit my bed indefinately. Originally I was completely agreeable to this arrangement (as she NEVER slept with me as a baby), however, over time it has become quite an issue. At some point along the way I have decided that mommy needed her own space back.

Don't get me wrong, I L-O-V-E snuggling with my girl... she's the best there is, but what was brought to my attention about our c0-sleeping really opened my eyes. It turns out that AGB started sleeping with me not because SHE needed to, but because she thought I needed her to. It was her own way of making sure I was safe.... God love that child, she is an angel on Earth.

My solution:

We redecorated AGB's room, putting beautiful flowers on the walls, a new king size bed, new "cloud" valances, and a great comforter from PBK... and we read a minimum of two books per night in the bed. The TV is now turned off, and it's a lot of hugs and kisses and I love you's every night (as there has always been). Below you can see a small highlight of her room!

AND... the proof is in the pudding.... AGB has slept in her own bed for three nights in a row.... TA-DA!!!!

Snow, snow go away...

With winter gracing us so pleasantly with year, I have come to learn a few important things.

The "show horses" with their body clips and their blankets.

1. I'm pretty sure we can't get away from the cold anymore... Even Florida is not safe.
2. By this time next year the barn MUST be closed in... Snow in the barn only makes more work for me! As you see from Exhibit A above... "the snow runs through it (much less the river)".
3. Tractors almost being fixed doesn't do me much good.... Doesn't "almost" only count in horse shoes and hand grenades?

The young and old horses braving the weather.

4. It is essential that you have good "strong" friends who can help in a pinch.... if it wasn't for Jared and Ethan the young and old horses would have not gotten their round bale during the big storm! Picture this... me pushing the round bale by myself (because the tractor "almost" works).... they just saved me 2 hours work and four days laying in bed!

5. I am NOT cut out for cold weather. I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't admit this... but I have not gone a day without long-johns on.. that can't be good for my skin!

6. Snow days are not conducive to my occupation... our college was the ONLY school that did not get a snow day, much less a delay. Maybe I should rethink and go teach high school/middle school so that I can spend my snow days with my snow bunny (AGB).

AGB as the snow bunny, sporting her pink VT hat.

7. Bundling up to go sledding takes more time then the actually amount of time you will spend outside! (See Exhibit C above).

8. Sledding is HARD work!!! (Pictures to follow soon)

9. The laughter you hear during said sledding adventure is worth the time it takes to get dressed even if it is less time than you will actually spend outside.

AGB soaking up the sun... and the sand!

10. This is more like it.... See Exhibit D above. Summer can not get here fast enough.

Looking back, looking forward......

Today I feel like this.....

It is no secret that I am in a search to try to re-define myself. I think the word terrifying comes to mind. Today I feel just like the picture above. You can see that AGB has the most wonderful thought rolling around within the confines of her beautiful mind.... and then there is me. I can visually see the beauty that her thought has, but its the thought itself that is just outside of my grasp. That is how I feel about my path of self discovery. I can see that I am moving forward on my path, but I can't see the events that lay ahead... OH, if I was only a psychic!!!

Sure I recognize that I am a strong,funny, beautiful, talented, successful individual. No..... I'm not trying to toot my own horn by any means. Because even though I recognize those things, I don't always FEEL them. And as sad as it is to say, I often times feel that other people don't view me as these things either.



We took these photos back in the fall. I have revisited them often in awe of what our photographer captured. This was one of the last days I wore my wedding rings (after we separated, I stopped wearing my engagement ring immediately). I look at these photos and I realize how much things have changed in the past months... how much I have changed. At the time these photos were taken, I was really lost. I was still in love with a man, a man who together we had broken each other's hearts.

I am now in a place where I TRULY have begun to heal and move forward. However I am discouraged by how I think people interpret my situation. I almost cringe when I hear the words dating or relationship. Certainly I believe that dating is a part of moving forward and on... however, it is discouraging to know that most single men out there have a very high opinion of themselves and excessive expectations.

No, I'm not looking for someone to play out the events in the above picture what-so-ever!!! I am not in any way ready to jump into the next relationship that comes along... and I certainly don't see on my near path someone else kneeling before me asking for my hand in marriage haha!!! But, I do want to be able to go out with people and engage in great conversation. The kicker... unfortunately most people will judge you for your life circumstances before they will even consider the most simple gesture of just hanging out with you.

So my response to those people.... walk away.... just as AGB is doing so graciously in the above photo. I understand that many men may have reservations about dating me because of my circumstances... but I truly do not have any ulterior motives behind wanting to go out and have adult interaction!!! I don't think that my life circumstances should have anything to do with me meeting new people. So tell me... am I WAY off on that thought? Is it not fair for me to not want to bring my future divorce, my child, my living situation into meeting new people? Is it unfair of me to think that someone should want to go out with me because of just ME?

The fact is, I never dreamed I would be in this position. In a position to enter the dating world again.... And it IS terrifying. I do have to take into consideration AGB's safety... which is why NO ONE will meet her, and also why I don't think it is appropriate for her to be apart of my future dating life. Maybe people think it is wrong of me to have that stance, but I am her mother and I WILL protect her first always. And if someone that I meet doesn't understand or feels like I was untruthful... then they weren't worth my time anyways. Because they shouldn't be dating me because of my life circumstances or lack there of, but they should be dating me for ME. Because I am a strong, funny, beautiful, talented, successful individual..... Right?

Beth

How do I turn this thing on....

Somebody help me.....

In an age where technology has literally become a part of our right hand, I can't help but feel so left behind!! Starting my blog back up has really opened my eyes to just how far behind I truly am.

I have had the glorious opportunity to view some amazing and truly inspiring blogs... it all started several years ago with my sister Michelle's blog Our Roads Traveled.. and now I am viewing incredible creations such as Enjoying the Small Things and Make It Beautiful. WOW!! As you may notice, I don't have theses blogs highlighted for you to click and view because I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!

Sometimes I feel like my computer looks at me like this:

So.... I am begging... somebody please help me!!

I began this blog as a path for self discovery. It the meantime what I have realized is that discovering who I truly am is only half the accomplishment. If I could figure out how to "turn this thing on" I could make so much more of an impact.

I don't really know how many people view my blog. What I would like to accomplish is that my blog is a place where people can visit to be inspired So even if only one person reads my blog.. I want them to walk away feeling as empowered and emotional moved as I do when I read the blogs of these incredible people I have come to know along the way. Come to know because they truly understand the impact of how a simple thing such as a blog can turn your life around.

Beth

I have a dream.... You fill in the blank.

"Power at it's best is love implementing the demands of justice. Justice at it's best is love correcting everything that stands against love." MLK Jr. 1967

This past weekend, my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. Without a doubt in my mind I know that there were many a times that "everything that stands against love" tried to get in their way. My parents pushed through the barriers that tried to break through their life as a couple, as a family, and succeeded in many ways that couples do not today. If I have learned anything in the past year(s) of my life it could be that I too can have a dream of living for love the way my parents have for so many years.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase" ~ MLK Jr.

What a powerful statement. Too often in our lives we hold back what truths we see for ourselves because of the fear of the unknown. It is terrifying to think about moving forward with my life in the search for the things that I know I desire. I very plainly see what it is that I seek in my life, something that many people may find threatening. I would never impose my "wants" on to someone who is unwilling to accept them, and in the same breathe I will not let go of the dreams that I have for my life.... Yes, even if I don't see the "whole staircase". I owe it to myself (and AGB) to hold fast to the dreams that I have for our life together.

"I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character" ~ MLK Jr.

This ideal I hold so dearly to my heart. I believe in the ability for human kind to see the value in all beings for who they are, and not the value of their appearance. I hope and dream that one day all children and adults will be accepting of those individuals that they see to be so different from themselves. I am blessed to have a nephew who has taught me this value in life. My dream is that my nephew, Matthew, will grow up in a society that will see his beautiful soul, his value to everything around him.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends" ~ MLK Jr.

As life's path takes twist and turns, we most definitely find those people along the way who are readily by our sides. I am thankful for each and ever person who has held my hand, dried my tears, hugged me tight, made me laugh, has lended their ear, and has helped me realize my worth. You know who you are.

"We must combine the toughness of the serpent and the softenss of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart." ~ MLK Jr.

As I move forward on my journey to seek what it is that I know is right for me, I have in my heart a desire to do just this that MLK Jr. spoke about. I have changed in so many ways... I don't want to move forward with a hardened heart, blocked from the possibilities of life. My dream, if you will, is that I will have a sharper mind and a more giving heart. Learning is the capstone of our lives, and I have learned so many things.... I have learned about who I really am, the weakness of anger, the strenthen of hope, and the power of love. I will move forward with a clearer view of the true knowledge of life and how that knowledge can help me rebuild my life with love in it, having a "tender heart" along the way.

It's you ATTITUDE about you APTITUDE that determines your ALTITUDE!!!

Yesterday I began watching an amazing video from a George Morris clinic that was recently held by the USEF. George Morris is an equestrian icon, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch a live stream and LEARN fromt he best. The first video I viewed was one of the lectures, and a dressage trainer/rider, Jane Savoie, was presenting a topic that hit me straight in the face about what my life is and what it can become.

Anna Grace on her way to a tremendous riding career!

I know you are saying... "Beth... you were watching a video about horses?!", but the words Savoie spoke related directly to my life. Here I am world.. in the past year and a half these changes have engulfed me: 1) I left a very high paying, head coach job to come home to a lower paying, assistant coach job (all for good reason) 2) I moved in with my parents because I left that very high paying job and a house that we own that we can't sell 3) My little baby girl started pre-school and has now become a big girl 4) My husband and I separated and are on the road to divorce 5) Did I mention that I am still living with my parents with a 4 year old teenage and one of my dogs. At 31 years old I have found that theses changes in my life seem so profound sometimes that I just can't see an end in sight.

And then I watched this video. Yes, the lecture was about how as riders we can reach a higher altitude by believing in ourselves.... BUT those words threw an arrow straight to my soul. You see, all of these changes that have come upon me in the last year shouldn't control where I go and who I become. NO.. I don't want to end up a single mother living with my parents forever!!!! But, right now it's the right thing for me and for AGB. The truth of the matter is, if I continue to have a bright outlook (attitude) about where our lives (mine and AGB's) will go (altitude) we will succeed (aptitude). Ta-DA!!! I wouldn't live with my parents forever (although I do recognize that it is a blessing right now), I will have love again, I will enjoy every moment of AGB growing up, I will have a great life.

I killed three birds with one stone yesterday... I watched a video that will help me as a coach, a rider and changed how I feel about my life... My life will be great... my life will be great.... WAIT A MINUTE... my life is great :) Now that's the right attitude!

Beth

These are a few of my favorite things....

Children make you want to start life over. ~ Muhammad Ali

There is nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of the horse. ~ Ronald Reagan

My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. ~ Edith Wharton

I'm creative!

Don't expect me to be neat too!

Make time to stop and smell the roses.... or any flower for that matter.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach... Hm... this is quite the idea to ponder.

Beth

What being a coach teaches ME about life.....

As an athlete growing up, I always regarded my coaches as individuals who "had it all together... had it all figured out". They always had the answers, I never saw them falter (at least not outwardly), and they carried themselves in a manner that bestowed great wisdom to those around them. When I first became a coach, this was the demeanor that I inherited, mostly to keep from being the lamb up against the slew of lions (I had a vision that my riders would eat me for lunch if I didn't play the role right). It never occured to me that someone who would take on the responsibility of teaching and conditioning an athlete to a sport, and to life really, would have any moments of "OMG HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS?".

Today I learned that lesson... mark that check next to my "H-E-L-L-O Beth! You should have known that" list. Coaching has been something that has come so natural to me, like a fin moves on a fish. I truly am passionate about what I do, and could not imagine leaving this line of work. I can so easily step into the shoes of my riders and visually depict the challenges they face. I believe that makes me a better coach. Note that I didn't say an easier, nicer coach... just better! LOL Being able to relate to my riders on the whole helps me push them to be better, at riding and at life. It challenges me to push them beyond the barriers they have formulated in their minds that stand between them and success.

However, on a small occassion I enter a very dark gray area where I not only cannot relate to my riders, but just for the life of me cannot bring myself to understand for one moment what they are remotely thinking that is possessing them to respond to my coaching techniques in that way! WHEW!!!

That gray area crept upon me today. And I stood there, nearly frozen to the ground from realization and, well, just from the utter cold, and had this epiphany, an epiphany that has come to me before in this exact manner. It's okay for me as a coach to not always have the answer... to not always be right... to not always demand beyond the possible limitations of what the rider feels they are facing. Don't misunderstand, I am by no means cruel, but I have a hard time not challenging my riders when their response to me is "I can't".

I have always had this vision that as a coach I must be stern, and strong, and have the answers. Becoming a coach has helped me to realize looking back that maybe my coaches didn't have all of the puzzle pieces put together either. That they internally struggled with decisions, preparations, and their responses to us athletes when we faced turmoil.

Looking ahead, I hope this continues to make me an even better coach. I physically watched myself take a deep breath today and let the dark gray energy leave me. I more readily understood that I didn't have to know why these events were unraveling in front of me nor did I need to respond. But I could continue to coach, and to put it behind me. It is wonderful to know that we don't have to have the right answer, but that we can still move on..... That idea lifts a burden off of my shoulders. I will still be a great coach, just without the turmoil of thinking that I have to know it all.

Be like the rubber duckie....

As Monday has descended upon us, I am looking back to a weekend that was full of.... well, it's hard to explain. Have you ever had the feeling of being held under a pressure so intense that you wonder how you'll ever rise up? And no matter how you move, how you struggle, the pressure still remains... but you still move, you still struggle. You move right, left, forward, backward, around... any way you can.

This reminds me so much of the rubber duckie. So many of us as children (and now our children) affectionately splashed and played in the bath tub with a rubber duckie. Our curiosity of why the rubber duckie refused to stay under water continued to pull at us and we could not resist the urge to submerge our friend under the water in an effort to convince them to stay there. But to our dismay, our rubber duckie friend just wouldn't concede.

The question should not be "Why wouldn't our rubber duckie stay under the pressure of the water?" but "How can we, like the rubber duckie, find the strength to bounce back?". To stay the course.. to never concede to the pressures of our daily lives that try to pull us down.

I, like the rubber duckie, must continue to push back against the pressure, and I do everyday. Because in the end, it is the pressure and the things that try to keep us down, under the water that make us stronger. Those pressures are what make us fighters. AND I AM A FIGHTER!

For those of you who are wondering about the rubber duckie in the photos..

For her birthday, Anna Grace was given a gift from our good friends, The Pattersons. The duckie came in a box with instructions to paint it. So this past week, AGB and I sat down and created this masterpiece together! I have been trying to do at least one activity a day with AGB, which all of us working mothers know is hard to accomplish. The rubber duckie took us three days to complete, but it was three evening well spent.

Beth

When You Get the Choice to Sit it Out or Dance...

ABG at her first Dance class this summer

As a mother many times I have wondered how it is possible to fit one more item onto the calendar. How can I possibly do everything I want to in the day? Especially with an extremely active 4 year old. I am for all intensive purposes career driven, but that strong focus has taken me away so many times from enjoying the extracurricular activities I know AGB so dearly enjoys.

This summer AGB participated in dance for the first time. She was so passionately excited. Each day she went to dance, participating in every activity that Mrs. Kim set in front of her. On the day of the recital I came to the studio, and AGB affectionately did.... NOTHING she was suppose to. I was devastated to say the least. It was the one day that I had forced myself to pull away to be there and disappointed that the day I was there to watch, I saw very little.

Today I had an opportunity to not only witness AGB in full swing of a dance class, but I also participated. Through her pre-school we received an invitation to come to the mall for a FREE children ZumbAtomic class.. My response, "YES, LET'S!"

Recently AGB has displayed a passion for being shy. Something that is very unusual as we can all agree to! My initial response to taking her to ZumbAtomic was that I would sit quietly and watch on the side lines, as usual with my cell phone in my hand. Little did I know, AGB would employ me to be her partner in crime ... to dance and swing and giggle because she was just too shy to go it alone. I was forced to let loose, to put the cell phone down (I know, I know, there is video and pictures, but would you expect anything less?) and DANCE. Maybe I didn't swing my hips as energtically as I could have, maybe I didn't jump as high as I am able, but I enjoyed an hour of just gazing at a child who truly makes me joyful. It took her a while to get warmed up, but by the end I couldn't get her to stop. I hope you all enjoy the pictures and short video I was able to capture. And my deepest prayer is that AGB continues to ALWAYS DANCE whenever given the choice.

Remember for a day or a lifetime?

This is a very powerful question for me today. How do we chose what to remember for one day and what we never forget for a lifetime? Is there a rythme or reason for how our brains store the most compelling events that happen in our daily lifes? Can I reprogram mine... especially today?

For all of you Grey's Anatomy fans out there last night was an extremely compelling episode forcing me to ask myself just that question both last night and today. Last night's episode for me took me back to the tragic event of April 16, 2007 at my alma mater, Virginia Tech. Every Hokie and every human being in the world felt a clinching blow that day, and watching the Grey's Anatomy episode last night made some of my memories from that horrific time flood back to me as well. The only difference in the real life and the pretend was that the characters in the pretend had the miraculous hands to safe all of the victims from that horrible event, something that we sadly cannot say about our friends from the Virginia Tech massacre.....

So what did this mean to me? It meant thanking God right then and there as I watched the TV screen flood my memory that I have this life. This life to share with all of my loved ones. It also meant remembering. Sure, I think about April 16th, 2007, but I don't remember that event as I should. I pray for the families of every victim from that day on each anniversary of the shooting, but I should pray for them more. I should hold that day in my memory, right on the surface to help me remember to be thankful for everything I have, because it could all be taken away from me tomorrow.

This compelling question of memory also comes at a difficult time for me today. As extremely hard as it is for me to actually write these words down... today is my wedding anniversary. I tried to promise myself that I wouldn't cry, but as I write the tears are flowing. My life has taken turns that Inever expected it would take, and today I can't help but allow those memories to hold on to me like a child clutches their blanket. I do recognize that my life will by great... is great, but my sadness of losing my marriage continues to hold on to me. Do I feel this way today because of the actual day that it is? Will I feel this way next January 7th? Will I remember this sadness on January 7th for a lifetime the way April 16th each year brings me sadness? Can I reprogram my brain to forget this day....

The answer is, I hope not. Because although I feel such deep sadness, I also in many ways feel joy. And I wouldn't have changed my path. I would have still walked down the aisle so many year ago today just the same if I would have known then that it would end this way. Every chapter of our lives is such a journey. Although I am having to close this chapter, another will open. I also received the most precious gift from this chapter of my life... a gift that will continue to bless me for the rest of my life.

I have decided to try to remember more. Those events that change our lives so drastically... I don't want to remember to be sad, but to celebrate. Celebrate the present, and all of the gifts that come with this life. Gifts that are both joyful and full of sorrow. I know if I remember, I can truly be thankful for every gift.

Beth

Is it true? Is Beth blogging?

Wow, how time flies... I have made a New Year's resolution to be more attentive to my blog. I know, I know! You are saying, some resolution that is. We all know that one post to my blog each year is the maximum.

But on the contrary I wonder if this could be my source. My outlet if you will. Life has thrown me curve balls and obstacles that I never thought I would face. Now is the time in my live when I have to decide to really live. Each day. Because I have opened my eyes and realized that my life is going by so fast.

2010 is over. Thankfully. AGB participated in another horse show.. where yet again she was the star, or at least I believe she was. My job continued to get better (as some of you know that is a great thing), my oldest sister had a baby, Sara. I affectionately try to call her Sara Elizabeth, but get yelled at :), and Anna Grace turned 4... YES 4 years old! One of the most unbelievable events that happened in 2010, among a few others.

I also spent my entire summer at home with AGB... something I have never had the opportunity to do before. It was a complete blast. We swam, camped, played, napped, and annoyed Goddy on a daily basis. I am so thankful to have a job now where I can spend my summer with my child.

So, I am challenging you all as well. Keep asking me when my next post will occur. So many changes are happening in my life. If you don't hear from me every day.. you may miss something huge that has happened in my life.

Beth